Comments on: Chapter 3 p. 93

By: Pleflar

Pleflar — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 03:02:41 +0000

Just started reading this earlier this evening, obviously you’ve got me hooked. Just want to say that this transition was chilling. I wasn’t horribly surprised by the Earth-like planet with evidence of nuclear war bit. You played that off well, a strong bait and switch. This makes me horribly curious about the “jump engine,” just what is really going on here.

Thank you for the wonderful story and the beautiful art

By: Galaxion | 095

Galaxion | 095 — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 02:05:48 +0000

[...] you have no idea what they’re talking about, skip back two pages to see what they’re all looking at. If that doesn’t help… well, there’s [...]

By: Ben

Ben — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 04:01:16 +0000

I too understood it, but for sheer impact to make us all twitch with excitement I think the last couple of lines of dialogue could have been dealt with from a more distant perspective with say a curtain in the background going up to reveal an image of the Hiawatha on a big screen etc. then maybe use the existing last frame (this page) as an opener for next chapter?

Ps I have just read your whole cartoon today from the very begginning and It is truly enjoyable. Well crafted storytelling with interesting, but efficient drawings. you have mixed in perfect proportions romance, action, personality interactions and believable but novel engineering.
Originally I was a little dubious that this would be too much of a ‘chick flick’ cartoon but it isn’t.
Well done, I’m really enjoying your fantastic talents – Thankyou so much for such an entertaining read.

By: AlpineBob

AlpineBob — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 09:17:50 +0000

I missed this page somehow and am only now seeing it, [i]after[/i] page 94. Still, no trouble with the transition that I can see. However, I think you should put “We found the Hiawatha.” in quotes to make it clear that the box is a continuation of her speech on board ship, as opposed to a narrated surprise as they arrive in the valley after landing. Also, I realize that you like the placement of the text box or you wouldn’t have put it there, but I think it should be higher to give a bit more distance between what she says, up in space, and where they are now, on the planet (maybe as much as half the distance from it’s current placement to the top). My impression is [b]critical[/b] believed they are surprised to find the downed ship as they enter the valley, while my feeling is that this was not your intent, so that change might help alleviate any confusion.

I really like AJ‘s idea of a holo with the generals face looming over it (I think that would integrate the button pushed in the previous panel a bit better – right now the button is almost mis-leading), but that would require a complete redraw, and isn’t really necessary.

By: Galen

Galen — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 06:06:04 +0000

Tara, I really, really like that transition. It feels very theatrical, as Rob/Tangent mentioned, and actually reminds me a lot of Watchmen in that (I’ve been on a real Watchmen kick since about two weeks before the movie came out, so pretty much everything in my world is being filtered through that right now). I’m not the kind of guy who does a lot of speculation about the plot, generally trusting the writer to lead me where she likes. That being said, when something is blindingly obvious, it jumps out at me and I don’t like that. This wasn’t blindingly obvious. It wasn’t as amazing a twist as “I did it thirty-five minutes ago”, but if I had been reading this on the printed page, it would have been enough to get me hooked.

By: Tangent

Tangent — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 01:17:54 +0000

Seems to have been a fairly controlled landing. Which I suppose is the point. A massive crater would probably have meant the ship was fragments, instead of a somewhat-intact hull there.

It was fairly obvious to me that they were going to find the Hiawatha, but I’ve also been a long-time fan of the genre, so I’m a bit used to some of the story traditions. I do wonder how they could have ended up in the precise universe with the precise crew that was lost… but then, my own science fiction storyline ideas utilized a massive number of alternative universes, and I did contemplate the difficulty with finding your way “home” once you’ve gone to another universe.

As for the transition… it was rather theatrical. You don’t even need to start the next chapter on that page; you could go back one or two pages to show the descent or on hiking to the site of the Hiawatha (though considering the clearing, I do wonder why not setting down with a shuttle at the crash site). Probably the only other way you could have handled this is to show a satellite image of the crash site from above.

The advantage to this method is we know they’re going there, and indeed could just start right at the crash site itself to continue the story. Naturally, other traditions will be followed (such as some of the crew of the Hiawatha not being there, possibly captured by the indigenous population, and requiring a rescue of said crew… or the crew not being there at all and trying to figure out where they went.

So… it works. From what you’ve said, you’ve tried the alternative (and I’m tempted, when I have the money, to tracking down and buying the old print comics to see that alternative descent) and felt the plot should be advanced quicker. And considering the time it takes to tell the story online, you’re correct in this.

Rob H.

By: Baxter

Baxter — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 11:53:46 +0000

I like it. I too only saw the text box in an empty sky and then had to pan down to see the wreck. My suggestion for the next page is to leave it silent.
One thing that may be interesting is go with 2 silent pages. You could use dark black inks as current time, dark grey inks as flashback and show us both the initial approach to/entrance to the wreck (black) and their prep/how they got to her (grey) as well as their reaction to this revelation before the splash page that begins chapter 4.

Oh yeah. And I noticed a possible goof.
Patty’s on the planet surface… but she’s not wearing a hat.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 05:18:59 +0000

I love the landscape <3

By: critical

critical — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 04:04:57 +0000

some plot pacing hints. granted it’s for writing but the same technique applies.

http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/ezine/2009/AFW_Ezine_2009-03-03.pdf

By: Nate

Nate — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 08:11:14 +0000

Transition works great for me – love it. It was pretty obvious that something like this was in the works (you don’t have a spooky build up about a lost starship and a lost husband without it going somewhere…Chekhov’s phaser and all).

So for me, it’s nice that the story doesn’t drag out the ‘obvious’ revelation and just goes ‘right, you guessed it, now let’s jump straight to the fun part’.